Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
please come you make the beer taste better
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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