Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
