I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth