Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Randomize
