Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
