I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just forgot I was standing up.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
