Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
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