Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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