i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
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