I'm so fucking centered right now
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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