It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Who died my cat blue again?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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