She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
