I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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