maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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