Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
