She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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