Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
