I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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