I'm so fucking centered right now
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
