I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
