Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
