The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
this is an emotional support booty call
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
