dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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