So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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