She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
