I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You can't special order awesome
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
