Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
