Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
