you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
