he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I think I died a long time ago.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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