If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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