I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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