i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
