He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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