i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
