Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
