You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
