She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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