did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
