It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
