I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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