she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just found a bag of teeth...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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