Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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