If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
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