i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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