wrigley field is MILF paradise
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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