No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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