Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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