uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
