did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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