He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just pee around me
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
