Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
