last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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