Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
