I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Randomize
