a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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