i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
